Resistance is Usual

Does the concept of learned helplessness apply in humans? The famous experiments illustrating the concept put an animal in a box they would normally be able to escape from. If they make the attempt, however, they are electrically shocked immobile. After a few attempts, the animal gives up, and never again tries to leave even when the electricity is turned off.

Have I similarly grown accustomed to using a wheelchair to travel medium distances regardless of my capability to walk? Do I resist physical training because of the fear of the pain---both the physical discomfort involved and the potential psychological pain of failing to progress?

I stand on the verge of a great opportunity; one I am extremely fortunate to be offered. In return, I have found mental resistance and possibly passive aggressive redirection building as the project grows closer.

By way of background, my good friend, Joe, has been attending a ninpo/jujitsu dojo for many years. His sensei, Michael Coleman, very generously trained me in his sword class for about six months about two years ago. The experience became part of a documentary about the school and Coleman Sensei's service.

Recently, Sensei has begun assembling a team of healers and trainers to work with me more extensively. As I don't have insurance and currently live on a limited income, the services are being offered pro-bono. In addition, Sensei himself will be working with me on physical training and perhaps nutrition. We are scheduled to begin working this week.

Suddenly, for the last few days I have begun considering acquiring full time employment. The immediate, nominal reason is to make paying my bills easier. Things are indeed tight financially, but this has been the case for months. I can't help but wonder if my sudden desire to work a standard shift is related to the upcoming training. As it is, I can easily schedule training sessions, appointments, or therapy at pretty much any time during the week. Being busy with full time work would certainly hinder my recuperation attempts and give me ample excuses if it does not work out.

To be honest, striding toward healthiness and happiness is frightening. I do long to regain my former physical state. I wish there were a cure for spinal cord damage. Even lacking that, I know my condition could be better. I am far more thin and weak than I could be. My balance, confidence, and conditioning for walking could be improved. In addition, my mood, level of motivation, and feelings of anger, self-hatred, and negativity could definitely be improved. It's the movement out of my comfort zone that scares me.

The advantage I have over animals in psych experiments is that my self-aware, analytical mind can look at my actions and their motivations. Perhaps much of my self-defeating behavior is due to acclimation or learned helplessness, but the beauty of human rationality is the ability to overcome these circumstances.

As the famous quotation goes, bravery is not a lack of fear, it's feeling fear and doing what is necessary despite it. I expect maintaining my courage will be a constant battle. I believe I have friends and family in supportive positions to help me fight the good fight, and no matter the ultimate outcome I will be a better person for having tried. Now I just have to keep telling myself that.