My First Lesson

Michael Coleman, sensei of the Futen Dojo, told this brief story. Apparently he had been talking with one of his ninpo students and mentioned that I would be studying the Chinese martial arts. The response was, "Really? That stuff is even too hard for me!" So with our sights set high, we began our newest foray into recovery as yesterday morning Coleman Sensei gave me my first qigong and baguazhang lesson at the dojo.

The qigong movements were very familiar from my prior experience in taiji classes. I have always had trouble relaxing my shoulders and keeping my head upright, and it is no surprise that these problems persisted. The other biggest issues I faced were opening my right hand and holding postures with bent legs. Sensei helped pry my hand open from time to time, but for the most part, the fingers returned to their closed position. This is one area where I hope to see improvement.

On that front, my friend and fellow student, Joe, talked about building a poor-man's version of the hand brace reputed to dramatically improve just such a condition as mine. I am also going to meet with a dojo student named Heather next week. She is a licensed massage therapist also trained in Traditional Chinese Medicine. From our conversation earlier this week, it sounds like we will start with massage and stretching.

The second difficulty, my lack of leg strength, will just take time to improve. I haven't used my legs much in the last 3 years. It's no wonder they are weak, aside from the atrophy of the muscles that are no longer innervated. Nonetheless, it was a great feeling to be exercising again, and I almost immediately felt the relaxation response kick in as we started the postures and deep breathing.

For bagua, we tested basic circle walking with me using a forearm crutch. We walked in one direction, then turned knock-kneed to turn back. This was possible for me, though the stiffness of my right leg and drop of my right foot were problematic, and my gate is slow. I'm confident this too will improve with time and practice.

Today, I repeated the exercises as best as I remember them. My legs are tired and my left shoulder aches, but I am more optimistic than at any other time in recent memory. Sensei said he was pleasantly surprised with my ability so far. I feel that the lesson was very successful and am really looking forward to next week. I am so thankful to everyone involved for this opportunity.

Resistance is Usual

Does the concept of learned helplessness apply in humans? The famous experiments illustrating the concept put an animal in a box they would normally be able to escape from. If they make the attempt, however, they are electrically shocked immobile. After a few attempts, the animal gives up, and never again tries to leave even when the electricity is turned off.

Have I similarly grown accustomed to using a wheelchair to travel medium distances regardless of my capability to walk? Do I resist physical training because of the fear of the pain---both the physical discomfort involved and the potential psychological pain of failing to progress?

I stand on the verge of a great opportunity; one I am extremely fortunate to be offered. In return, I have found mental resistance and possibly passive aggressive redirection building as the project grows closer.

By way of background, my good friend, Joe, has been attending a ninpo/jujitsu dojo for many years. His sensei, Michael Coleman, very generously trained me in his sword class for about six months about two years ago. The experience became part of a documentary about the school and Coleman Sensei's service.

Recently, Sensei has begun assembling a team of healers and trainers to work with me more extensively. As I don't have insurance and currently live on a limited income, the services are being offered pro-bono. In addition, Sensei himself will be working with me on physical training and perhaps nutrition. We are scheduled to begin working this week.

Suddenly, for the last few days I have begun considering acquiring full time employment. The immediate, nominal reason is to make paying my bills easier. Things are indeed tight financially, but this has been the case for months. I can't help but wonder if my sudden desire to work a standard shift is related to the upcoming training. As it is, I can easily schedule training sessions, appointments, or therapy at pretty much any time during the week. Being busy with full time work would certainly hinder my recuperation attempts and give me ample excuses if it does not work out.

To be honest, striding toward healthiness and happiness is frightening. I do long to regain my former physical state. I wish there were a cure for spinal cord damage. Even lacking that, I know my condition could be better. I am far more thin and weak than I could be. My balance, confidence, and conditioning for walking could be improved. In addition, my mood, level of motivation, and feelings of anger, self-hatred, and negativity could definitely be improved. It's the movement out of my comfort zone that scares me.

The advantage I have over animals in psych experiments is that my self-aware, analytical mind can look at my actions and their motivations. Perhaps much of my self-defeating behavior is due to acclimation or learned helplessness, but the beauty of human rationality is the ability to overcome these circumstances.

As the famous quotation goes, bravery is not a lack of fear, it's feeling fear and doing what is necessary despite it. I expect maintaining my courage will be a constant battle. I believe I have friends and family in supportive positions to help me fight the good fight, and no matter the ultimate outcome I will be a better person for having tried. Now I just have to keep telling myself that.